just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize