This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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