ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
