ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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