u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
