I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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