Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
