Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize