I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
