I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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