these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just threw up on my dentist
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
