i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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