My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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