All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize