Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
