when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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