They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
