did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
