she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
