apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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