We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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