If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
