If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
