last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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