My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
