well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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