I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I am one with the molecules
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize