Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
