Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
