she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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