Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
