I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
