a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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