his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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