Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
