I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
