the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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