Your mouth is God's brothel.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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