Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
