Got a toothbrush?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize