i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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