seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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