so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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