please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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