I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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