never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
