i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
