I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
