Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
