I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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