i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
