Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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