I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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