at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
