to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
even my farts smell like vagina
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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