the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
