Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize