If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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