i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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